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Windshield Diaries of Dan Lee Murray

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Take the chance

From the recording Take the Chance

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Take the chance
by Dan Lee Murray

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Dear windshield: Am I gonna die today?

What will I say at the moment before my death? What would I say at the moment of possibly loosing my child or wife? If it was my death; would I be brave, go with dignity and courage into the unknown? What if it was my child or wife? Would I do everything in my power to save them? These are questions most people never even confront. But not us! We were different. We were in this world but not of this world. But here’s the rub.
No one knows how we would be in that very moment. And worse, no one can ever know the pain of losing a child unless experienced. We can only imagine it. We can say “I will be brave”, or “I will stay steadfast to the rules and beliefs we hold” but until that moment, we can only imagine. The fact is, no one will ever know the inner struggle of a parent walking away from his or her child unless we have been in that very situation and made the choice. In one choice, we stay and hide the truth of our beliefs. We put on the front of living a life in line with the beliefs we have been taught to be the truth of what is in the Bible, a book of hundreds if not thousands of different interpretations. We push down the inner feelings we have that tell us that this is not right. That there are just as many, if not more, people in this world that are just as sincere in their differing beliefs as we are. But our belief tells us that they are wrong and we are right. The only ones who are right. And when God comes back, sending his Son to exact justice on us all, we will literally be the only survivors living on this earth. All these others, as sincere as they appeared, will be dead and left lying in the streets for the birds to eat. In another choice, we leave our parents or children to set the example of finding our true selves, and forge the path asking them to follow. And if that child chooses not to follow, we are left to suffer the guilt of our decision when they are instructed that I can no longer be a part of their life. Brothers cannot be brothers anymore. Sisters cannot associate or even talk to the one who left. The struggles that a cult will put its people through can be unbearable. Making them choose between their own salvation and the physical life of their child, parent, brother, or sister. Making them choose between being “right” by following the interpretation of one group as opposed to another, and just living and letting others live their lives. But life has a funny way of challenging us. It will always bring us opportunities to prove what or who we are.

I remember when I was in Vocational Tech school for carpentry. Being dumb and inexperienced, I accidentally cut my left thumb off on a large table saw. I was bleeding out quickly. Within minutes I was lightheaded and incoherent. The nurse teaching in the classroom next to ours told my teacher and the principal of the school to get me to the hospital, not to wait for an ambulance. I remember waking up on a hospital gurney to the voice of my mother shouting the words “you cannot give him blood”. I have no idea how close I may have been to death, but to a 17-year-old, dumb as I was, my mind went to the idea of dying. I did not want to die, and I did not believe the things I was taught about life, death, and our everlasting souls. I just wanted to live.

I survived the ordeal, never knowing if I had a blood transfusion or not. My thumb was surgically reattached by a surgeon specializing in hands, who coincidentally, or by divine intervention, was available. And life went on, and nothing was ever spoken about the incident. But the thought that my mother, as much as I loved her, was willing to let me die for her belief, one that I did not share, never left me. She had the ability to save me, at least in my mind, but chose not to. From her perspective, she was simply showing the courage to stick to her belief even if it meant losing me, her son. She was taught that this is true strength, like what Abraham experienced when he was asked to sacrifice his son on an altar, knowing that God would provide a new life for him through resurrection into a paradise earth. But I didn’t have this belief. My gut told me something different. It went against my common sense and my appreciation for life here and now. And so the memory was eventually buried deep inside me, never to return. Or at least I thought so.

Later in life after having children of my own and rising within the ranks of the religion, this memory came back to haunt me. Back then, we were all required to carry a card that specifies, in the event of a catastrophic injury, we are not to receive any blood or blood derivatives. My struggle was what I truly felt inside versus what we were taught to be a requirement from God based on one Bible passage and how we interpreted it.

What if one of my children was potentially dying, and I could save him or her with my blood. To me, it was such a simple answer. But here’s the dilemma: When faced with the option of breaking a rule of a religion as interpreted by our church and thereby losing our eternal soul and life or sacrificing our eternal soul and life to save the life of our child, my heart told me something different. I would save the life of my child, even if it meant the loss of my eternal soul or life. After all, what is the greater sacrifice? Sacrificing this physical temporary life knowing full well that we will continue in spirit and be brought back to this physical life on a paradise earth, or, sacrificing our eternal soul for the life of our child, knowing that any hope of living past this ordeal will be gone? To me, the greater sacrifice is one that has no hope for any future. And I was willing to make this sacrifice for my children. This challenged my beliefs in a devastating way. All of them. If my heart and soul told me something different than my belief, I was condemned anyway, according to the beliefs. If I was not sincerely and 100% devoted, I would be among those destroyed and left for the birds. On the other hand, if I chose to go with the belief, I could not face myself in the mirror and say that I had done all that I could for the life of this child.

So, what is belief? Are we willing to sacrifice our lives for our beliefs? Many would call this a noble Endeavor. But what if it means the death of those who do not share this belief? Are we willing to sacrifice the lives of our children for our beliefs? Or is it a greater sacrifice to give ourselves completely if it is what we know to be a reflection of our innermost true selves? And if our beliefs are worth letting our children die in this life, what else would we be willing to do for our beliefs? Would we be willing to ostracize them, cut them off from communication, shun them? Cut them out of our lives? Would we tell them we love them strictly based on them adhering to our principals and beliefs? And if not, cut them out of our lives? I for one, cannot look at myself in a mirror and convince myself that my love is conditional upon them conforming to my list of beliefs. If my love is unconditional, that would include accepting them despite our difference of belief. The song “Just Believe”, calls us out to examine just what is the “unconditional” belief.

Just Believe

Dan Lee Murray

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An original depicting the struggle between rules we are taught and the truth that we feel in our hearts.

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Just Believe 4:02

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Dear windshield, should I ask and therefore risk death?

Dear windshield,

So many times in our lives, we are faced with life’s dilemmas. questions, challenges. We have doubts about “what if I choose this versus that”….will it be the right choice?

I’m not talking about what shirt matches with what pants. I’m talking about choices we make in our lives that would knowingly alter the entire course of our lives.

I can remember all the lonely nights staring in front of the tv wondering how I got here. This place of living in a world of beliefs that didn’t make sense, predictions that never came true, rules that just felt wrong, excuses for why we, the only true prophets of this world, were wrong so many times. And yet, with all the elaborate and complex explanations we were told for why it never came, and how we can now more fully “see the light” with new revelations, clearer understandings, we can now know how we may only have another year or two before our predictions of a worldwide annihilation of all “worldly” people would come true any day now. All the while, just wanting to live a life that I would want to choose, whether right or wrong. I would ask myself the question; what if I made a choice that went against what I was told is the only right way of life. Even if it was a wrong choice, at least it would be my choice. So, I found myself in the dilemma of my life.

Scared into non action. Stuck in the fight, flight or freeze of life.

Like the age old deer stuck in the headlights. But this is a common story, not just of a man trapped in a religion he did not believe in, but of humans everywhere. Our fear grips us so hard we don’t fight, we don’t run away, we just stay. Freeze. Only to watch life pass us by. We choose to stay safe from any unknown, even if remote, dangers. The devil we know is at least better than the one we don’t. So we ask, what can I do? Where do I go from this place of being stuck. Who do I even ask such a forbidden question? This forbidden question of how do I live my life rather than the life dictated by my father, mother, brother, sister, or preacher. Even the question itself is a warrant for death at the impending destruction of all the worldly people, those who did not follow all the orders of our leaders. Men proclaimed as appointed by God as the only true source of correct guidance. The only “true profit of these last days”. We were taught that asking critical questions was obvious proof of insincerity, and therefore punished by everlasting death. Not the eternal torment of a fiery hell as some religions teach, but eternal non-existence. So, I had to quell the curiosity. Hold it so deeply in my subconscious that it would never rear its ugly face and therefore condemn me to death. But souls will torment us when we ignore them and deny the curiosity. They will remind us constantly of the questions we have until we see our lives through the eyes of a condemned convict on death row. Living each day knowing there is a set appointment with death, simply because we wanted to ask the questions. The forbidden questions.

For instance, something as insignificant as a glance into a persons eyes for the very first time and the instant and overwhelming feeling that we’ve met before. And known each other for a lifetime. Not just a passing thought out of nowhere, but a feeling from a lifetime of experience with that person. And yet asking the simple question: Have we met before? Do you see in my eyes what I see in yours? Or the time while working and the boss sends me to work with someone, and instantly upon meeting him, the overwhelming feeling again: I know you from somewhere before this time. But to ask where, or if it was even in this lifetime, is strictly forbidden, because anything of this nature is a demon spirit Attempting possession of my soul. Time and time again I would have this happen. And each and every time I would freeze. It’s pretty simple but so hard. fear would take its grip and hold me in place. In my case, the fear of asking what am I feeling? Is there any possibility that these things could be true? So I would ask God for a sign. And it would come. And again, I would tell myself this can’t be true. So I would freeze. I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t run away, I could only freeze. It seems this is a pretty common thing. We convince ourselves that taking risk by asking will result in death. time will heal the inner souls that we have telling us: we can’t ask the curiosities of events, we know this is not right, but to stay here is just as wrong. I’m neither alive nor dead. I’m frozen. Not growing, not moving, a dead man walking. Until there is no choice but to move away from the oncoming car sure to kill us in our frozen state, and take the Chance, the only chance of survival. Turns out, the only way to grow and discover who or what we are, where we come from, where we are going.

Take the Chance

Dan Lee Murray

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Take the Chance
by Dan Lee Murray

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No question not asked ever got answered.

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Take the chance 5:09
Take the chance
by Dan Lee Murray
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